Saturday, June 22, 2013

Pulled A Trigger Without Thinking, There's Only One Way Down This Road

I was running down the school hall. It seemed gloomier than usual. The blue lockers became more of a pale blue, almost gray shade. The cream colored tiled were even darker than usual, it was like it knew something I didn't. Something horrible.
  I wasn't sure where I was running to, but I began to wonder when I'd get there. It felt like I was running in circles, like I'd never quite reach where I needed to go. I kept running anyways; it was almost like if I stopped I'd die. For a track runner, I oddly felt out of breath and weak. Then I saw my math classroom at the end of the almost never ending hall. It appeared out of nowhere.
The sudden noise made me drop to the floor. My body shooked against the cold floor tile. I scrambled to get back on my feet but they kept slipping and I kept hitting floor. Then, suddenly, I felt a hand grip my shoulder, pulling me up and pushing me against the locker. Everything got blurry as soon as my back hit that locker. It was like with that impact I had practically became blind. 
"Don't look so scared, you deserve this." Just from the sound of his voice I could imagine his face. The flicker of red in his eyes, the anger built up over years, the way his lips would sit in an almost evil smirk, like he was going to enjoy every second of it. But the pieces of his face didn't quite fit together, I couldn't see his whole face at once.
"You think you're always fucking right, don't you? You're so fucking smart, aren't you? Than answer this question. Which hand is the gun behind? The right?" He moved his right shoulder and then his left when he said "Or the left." He waited less than 10 seconds before saying, "Eeeeeh! Wrong. It's both." He chuckled darkly, for a second it didn't even sound human. "Why don't you show me your run, track star?"
I screamed. I kicked and I punched and I let out another blood curdling scream. "HELP!" I yelled and yelled, then I felt hands holding me down as my body shook and annoying beeping sound hit my ears drums.
"Shh. Shh. It's okay, Ponyboy. Breathe." A soothing voice said.
My eyes flickered open and I was surrounded by nurses and a doctor checking my heart moniter.
I was shaking uncontrollably and sweat covered my body. I couldn't breath. It felt like I was being strangled as I tried to suck air through. "Help." I said barely understandable through my gasps of air.
The nurse who's voice I heard grabbed my hand, "Do you feel my breathing?" She pushed my hand against her chest, "Try to copy how I breathe. You'll be okay."
Eventually I calmed down. It wasn't like that was my first panic attack. I got one or two when my parents died, but they weren't nearly as bad.
Soon all the nurses left and my family replaced them.
"Hey Pony," Soda said scruffing my hair and pulling up a chair to my bed, "You look better, kid."
Darry and Kitty followed after him.
"When I heard about what happened at the school, I came as quick as I could." Darry said
"That's what she said." I smiled at my joke and everyone just stared at me with big eyes, bewildered for some odd reason.
"I...I...I thought I lost you." Kitty said, her voice cracking as if she was crying for hours, "And your first words to us are going to be "That's what she said"?"
I was confused. Almost lost me? "What?"
"Don't "What" me! You were out for two days! I thought you were in a coma and you were never gonna wake up. I thought I lost my baby brother!" She went on and on rambling.
I looked in and took in the surroundings. The white with very light blue pattern hospital gown I was sporting, the rough sheets, and the spotless room. I was completely oblivious, "Why am I in the hospital?" I didn't notice until now; I was in a hospital.
"Really?" Darry asked simpiaticly, "You don't remember what happened?"
"What happened at school? Did something happen to the gang? Is Jelly okay?" I began to worry.
The room grew silent except for my heart moniter and my heavy breathing. I felt another panic attack coming on.
There was a knock on the door as a tall doctor with longer black hair came in. He oddly resembled Jesse from Full House. "Hey, how's are little trooper doing?" He smiled at me as if it were to comfort me, but in reality it made me the exact opposite. It was the type of smile doctors only gave you when somethings wrong. I knew that something happened, and I didn't know what. That's what freaked me out the most.
Before I could respond, Darry was talking. "He doesn't remember it. I thought you said he was okay, just a little wound. That's what you said. My brother has fucking brain problems." Darry didn't even yell, but his tone kind of made you wish he did. It was the type that could maie you want to die right theb and there. He was getting tensed; you could practically see steam coming out of his ears.
"Is that so?" He looked at Darry, then to me, "Pony can you tell me why you are here?"
I felt like the kid caught sleeping in class and as punishment he was forced to answer a question that everyone else learned and knew but him. "Uhm..." I searched Darry, Kitty, and Soda's face, but they were showing no hints. "I got hurt?" I did an awkward laugh, which caused a sharp pain in my side. I winced and made a small noise indicating my pain.
"Have mercy." The doctor said scribbling note on the paper in his clipboard, "Pony, can you tell me all about the last day you remember?"
I told him everything I remembered from monday, like breakfast and Soda almost forgetting his pants again. Then I got to fifth period, "Uhm My math teacher, Mrs. Hewette, let me go to the library so I wouldn't get fined for a late book. Then uhm... I walked back...and uhm." I took a long pause after that, "I was having a horrible dream. In this hospital bed."
"What was the dream about?"
"I was running from someone, I think, and a guy wanted to shoot me."
He scribbled some more notes before continuing, "I don't think there's anything wrong with his brain. We'll do tests to be sure. He's most likely suffering from repressed memories. It's actually very common for people who go through a traumatic event like Pony."
I hate the way doctors talk as if I'm not there. Basically, my mind is blocking out whatever happened to me, out. The memory is in my long-term memory, but It's being forced out of my short term. Slowly, I could begin to remember things or I can dream about parts of them. Why would anyone want to though?
"When can I leave? I have a project I need to finish, for English." I asked genuinely concerned about my project.
"Pony, there was a school shooting. The last few days of school have been cancelled."
"Sc-sch-school shooting?" I stuttered. Everyone had been avoiding saying what happened. "Where's the rest of the gang? Are...are..are. they okay?" I could feel my throat closing and I could basically hear my heavy staccato pants.
The doctors quickly sood my family out as the nurses tried to regulate my breathing. But it was no use. They were taking away what I needed most. My family. The gang included. I didn't even hear if everyone else was okay.
I was tired, confused, and completely helpless. I wanted to know what was going on and it was frustrating that I couldn't remember a thing. There wasn't much I was too sure about anymore. But I did know I wouldn't be getting much sleep anytime soon.
I didn't have much to time to ponder about anything that was running through my mind before everything went black. I passed out.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I'm Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket

I got home rather early, about 4:10. Since track season just ended, I walked straight home from school. I carelessly threw my books on the table and made a b-line for the fridge.
"Great." I mumbled to myself, "There's no food." I slammed the refrigerator door shut and took out all my assignments for tonight. School was almost over and to teachers that meant they had to shove a buttload of homework at us.
The white pages littered the dining room table; I worked on the assignment that was closest to me, English.  We were reading the story, The Scarlet Letter, you know the one that's mentioned in Easy A? The assignment on it wasn't hard, I just had to do a take home test.

-Knock, Knock-

That's weird? I thought. No one ever knocks on our door; they just walk in. I walked to the door hesitantly. Chances are it was just a salesmen, but with winning the rumble so recently, you don't know what those socs would do for revenge.

I opened the door to find a beautiful girl. Her curly hair now a rich brown, but her eyes and smile shined the same as always. "You dyed your hair?"

"Why, yes I did! I felt the need for a change," Jelly laughed a slight skip to her step as she walked passed me. As soon as she made it three steps past the door, though, she stopped and turned to me abruptly, "Soda isn't home, right?" She now whispered, her eyes looked at mine franticly.

"He's at work," I responded, calming her nerves.

"I don't know how much longer I can avoid him." She sighed.

Jelly has been visiting the Curtis' house after school, almost daily. Of course she always did this, but the difference now is she's trying to avoid Soda. I don't think they're really ready to talk about what happened. Oddly, that's okay with me. That means Jelly has more Pony time. We've become much closer and more open with each other because of that. Ever since the break up, she needed someone, she needed someone to be her steady foundation, and I was hoping that was me. I don't think she hangs around so often because I hate being alone or for homework help, like she says she does. Instead, I think she's the one who can't bare to be alone right now. I feel like that should bother me more, but I pushed the thought aside, often. I was just glad to be spending so much time with her.

"So, what are you working on?" She asked, sitting in a chair at the table that I successfully covered with my homework.

"Ever read the book, The Scarlet Letter?" She nodded in response, "Well, I'm doing a take home test." I began reading and filling in black circles as the conversation continued.

"I liked that book." She said rather bluntly, outlining the title of the book,with her finger, on my hard copy. "I always thought I was like the main character."

" Hester Prynne? I don't see it." I chuckled, her comment must have been a joke. Jelly didn't remind me of any of the characters in that story. She was much more beautiful and caring. I always thought she was more like a Dorothea Brooke, a character with a pure of heart; the best friend anybody could hope for.

"She cheated on her husband." Her words sounded hateful.

"He was lost at sea, she probably thought he was dead." I attempted to defend the character, "She was punished enough for her crimes, anyways. I mean, they even made her wear a fucking bright red A. Everyone knew about her past. She couldn't get past her mistake because of that stupid scarlet letter."

"Maybe, I should do that. Y'know, put a scarlet red A on all my clothes." A sob escaped her mouth, "I'm just like her, Pony. I fucking cheated on Soda, that's pretty much adultery!"

I dropped my pencil, with much more force than necessary, as the words began to come out of her mouth. I looked up to see her face already stained with tears, her mascara running down her cheeks. "Don't you ever say that. Don't you compare yourself to her; she's nothing like you, Jelly." I turned so I was completely facing her. My hands gripped hers firmly as I stared straight in her golden brown eyes, "You made a mistake, yes. But you shouldn't constantly punish yourself for it. A mistake is only an error in judgement, if a person can't accept your mistake and get over it, you don't need them in your life. And losing you would be their loss. End of story, okay? Even with your flaws..." Pause. "You're absolutely perfect. There's nothing you could do that would change that." It was like all the thoughts in head were fighting to get out and when they did, it was just a giant pile of vomit. I didn't know how to say everything that was racing through my mind. I just wanted her pain to stop. Every time I saw a tear on her face, it hurt me to. I wish I could take all of her pain away from her.

She pulled me into a soft hug; then she mumbled a thank you quietly in my ear. When she let go, I kept holding her one hand. She was looking down, as if her shoes just became the most interesting thing on the planet. I could tell she was still upset, but the kind that I couldn't do anything about. Words just wouldn't be enough.  I used my free hand to tilt her head up, so she was look right into my eyes.

"I like your new hair color," I commented pushing a strand out of her face and tucking it behind her ear. Our eyes stayed connected as I leaned in closer and closer. "You're too beautiful to cry as much as you do." I mumbled, my face barely avoiding touching hers. I could feel her warm breath hit my lips and it drove me crazy. Then again, what about her didn't. My eyes flickered from her eyes to her perfect lips, then back up. Then I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I had to fill the gap between our bodies. A new found confidence fell over me as I filled the empty space between our bodies. Our lips collided with a needy force. My hand slipped behind her neck, pulling her closer to me. Her hands went straight to my hair. Her dainty fingers laced through my dark locks.

Then, her hands fell from my hair to my chest. With one hard shove, we were pushed apart. It felt like we were in that kiss forever, though I know it couldn't have been more than a few seconds. I was breathless, a small smirk graced my lips. "You have no idea how much I wanted to do that." I whispered, I doubt she even heard it. It didn't matter though. That might have been the best moment of my life.

"How could you do that?" She said jumping up from the seat, her voice taking me by surprise. She grabbed her coat off the rack, "I'm fucking vulnerable right now! I- I needed a friend! And you just go and do that!"

"I.. umm I.." I stood and my legs began to shake. The confidence I had just a few minutes ago vanished.

"No, Pony. You're suppose to be my friend. You're suppose to comfort me! I love Soda! And..." Her eyes began to water again and she couldn't finish her sentence. She headed towards the door.

I began after her, "Wait, please! I'm sor-"

"Don't. Don't come near me. Don't you dare chase after me, Ponyboy Curtis." She growled, then slammed the door behind her.

It felt much too like a movie scene. Y'know, the scene that makes the crowd hurt because they weren't sure if there would be a happy ending or not. "Please don't go." My voice shaked and my knees gave. I knew she didn't hear me. It wouldn't have made a difference. She wasn't coming back.

For a moment, It only felt numbness. Then anger and sadness surged through me with so much power, I didn't know what to do.

I balled my hands into fists digging my short nails into my palms until it felt like it would bleed. But this pain was nothing compared to what just happened. How could I have been so stupid?

This must be what a broken heart is. It's like being trapped alone in the darkest abyss with a sword pierced through your chest. You feel as though you're completely transparent and everyone can tell. Everyone can see the hole in your heart. That's exactly what it is.

A broken heart is silent, it can't be seen but the blood still bleeds inside.